It's bizarre how at odds your "external self"* can be with your "internal self." I often have the experience that I say or do things that feel incongruous with how I truly feel or would like to act. Sometimes, this is a result of emotion: I might act more hastily than I'd like because of impatience. But the more strange case is when strong feelings play no such role. I might be having a great conversation with close friends, feel completely at ease, and still act in a way that I dislike. If I don't want to act in that way, why do I so blatantly?

   Just as puzzling, changes in one's immediate environment can produce great swings in behavior. In some situations, I feel quite confident, at ease, social, and quick to crack a joke. In others, I feel like a lifelong hermit who, having reached old age, has decided to crawl out of his hole and make his first attempt at human interaction. And this pattern of polarity is repeated for just about every other trait.

   As if we were watching another person, our actions appear to unravel before us. It's almost as if our behavior is the automatic output of a reaction that consists of factors like setting, the people around us, our current mood, our general behavioral tendencies, and so on. Rather than us authoring our actions and thoughts, it often feels that this reaction occurs and we see simply see its result appear. Ultimately, I think this dynamic illustrates a fundamental quality of our minds and behavior and I might dive into this in another post at some point.

   With this said, I think we have good reason to try to be gentler with others and ourselves. The person we might get angry with for being inconsiderate may later be truly upset with herself for acting this way. And though you said something that you dislike, you should not feel chained to this flawed, older self. Our continuous vacillation means that no one is constant and everyone is corrigible.